Kak Hanim, thank you for the excellent write up, Ma'am!
There is no way in advance for a woman to know whether she would be a working mother or a homemaker until she has a child or children herself.
I used to think I could never stay at home.
I used to think I could never stay at home.
I did not see myself as the type of woman who derives much pleasure from fluffing her nest lor.
Besides, my life was working out pretty fine.
Besides, my life was working out pretty fine.
That was just Nyla’s first year.
I took on a graduating low ability class and they performed very well during the national exams and exceeded everyone’s expectations. Boy, I felt like Superwoman! And nothing could stop me.
I also didn’t have any problems at homefront thanks to both my mothers and helper......until my helper’s contract expired the following year.
Unfortunately, she didn’t want to renew it because she missed her son terribly. As much as I was desperate for her to stay, I could not be selfish and deprive her son of his mother.
My own mother was struggling when our helper left. She wasn’t getting any younger and definitely not stronger. I remembered I was on medical leave and had a peek of how my mom was coping without a helper. Seeing her rush to the kitchen to cook or to the laundry area the moment Nyla took her nap pained my heart.
Nyla is my responsibility. I did what I had to do.
Like Nyla, I too keep a journal and I shall share with you few of my writings..
Date: April 16 2007
Sometimes, things don't go the way you plan them to be and I am currently experiencing them back at home. I love what I do now but at this very moment I must not be selfish and think of my only child. She is only a toddler and they say that the pre school years are the most vital. I know it is not going to be a breeze but sometimes it is nice to think only happy thoughts. Like how I can bring her to the garden every morning and chase the bees and the butterflies..or if we are lucky, we get to see the bee enter the flower and I teach her a thing or two about pollination.Like how I can go to the library and read books together.Like how I can bring her to the playground in the evenings and let her go 'Weeeee' as she slides down or sing to her the 'Buai laju laju' song as we sit together on the swing.Like how I can take her on a bus or MRT ride to visit her gramps.Like how I can watch her take that daily afternoon naps or even join her! Heaven!The list will just go on and on.The decision has been made, I guess.My babydarling, Mommy's coming home..........
I went to the principal’s office and requested that she grant me six months off work, citing childcare reasons. She was very understanding and my request was kindly approved.
Initially, I felt afraid staying at home because I have never handled Nyla all by myself.
Date: June 10 2007
Ever since I embarked on my new job at home, I hardly have time for myself. I miss work. I miss my lunches with my babes. I miss my work station buddies. I miss the pupils. Most of all, I miss ME. So tiring and trying staying at home. I've always thought that now that I have quantity time in my hands, I'll make full use of it and spend it with Nyla.Boy, was I damn wrong! Honestly I think I am a better mom as a working mom. I give my all to the babe when I return from work. But now, I give my all to the household chores! The sweeping, the mopping, the cuci jambans, the endless laundry, the ironing, yadda yadda.The first week was bad but now that I get the hang of it, its better.I don't sigh anymore if I look at the messy state of my house when I am playing with the babe because the reason for my leave is to spend time with my child and thus I should focus on that. Grass is not greener on the other side man. When I was teaching, I was so envious of those homemakers/housewives. But now that I'm in their shoes, man, it's not at all fun.
However, overtime, I was jolted by how much I actually enjoyed myself with the babe. I woke up each day and tended to Nyla by bathing her, dressing her, cooking for her, cleaning up after her, playing with her, bringing her out to the park, teaching her, talking to her, reading aloud to her, disciplining her, caring for her when she’s ill, laughing with her, hugging her, kissing her and the list keeps going on!
Date: July 4 2007
I am so happy today because I can finally tie Nyla's hair! (Simple things like this also need to write down! Lol!)
As usual when one is having loads of fun, time just zoooomed!
And yeap, my six months of childcare leave was soon up.
In 2008, I returned to work when issues at home have become more settled.
In 2008, I returned to work when issues at home have become more settled.
Got a new helper and enrolled Nyla in a pre school.
Everything and everyone soon returned to normal.
Everything and everyone soon returned to normal.
Everyone except me.
I was missing my daughter terribly.
I was only with Nyla for 12 hours, of which 9 hours spent sleeping. I started to resent work, not teaching but the administrative work and few of the soooo unnneeeccceeesssaaarrrry endless meetings. Truth be told, I’d be doodling my daughter’s name on my notepad.
I would get very upset whenever I received leaflets on Nyla’s excursion trips because I couldn’t go.
I missed her very first excursion trip.
My niece, Shofi and nephew, Hassan went on my behalf instead.
Date: May 8th
Title: DAMMIT
Nyla is going on an excursion today. She is obviously excited. I have packed her hat and her PE attire. Last night as I packed her stuff for today's outing, I put up a very brave front for my girl. I acted excited. In truth, my heart ached so much because I cannot be there with her. As most of her classmates' mothers are following, Nyla's mother absolutely cannot, due to work. I don't know who to feel angry at. I hate myself sometimes. I always say,'Nyla is my utmost priority!' but I am so contradicting myself here. I can't even be there with her for her very FIRST excursion. Lousy mother you are, Nura. What is the point of being a dedicated teacher when you are not dedicated to your own flesh and blood? People think it's easy to just run away from my situation and just go on the field trip with Nyla but babes, trust me, IT AIN'T EASY! Anyway, you always turn to family when you are in desperate need so Nyla's cousins, Shofi and Hassan will follow my girl. Well, they are definitely my super substitutes! I'm sure Nyla will have a blast. I have asked them to bring camera and snap as many pics as they can! How come my heart still painful one??????
Date: Feb 26 2008
Title: EXHAUSTED
It's been crazy and hectic in school. I miss Nyla so very much. When I leave the house, she's still asleep. When I reach home, she's getting ready to sleep. I don't know if it's me being sensitive but I feel that she does not seem to miss me. I don't think I can ever go on like this. Please...Don't make the long hours in school kill my passion to teach.
Teaching and Nyla MUST go together hand in hand. I need a 'light bulb' moment.
Never had I imagined or expected that my Goldcoast trip in December 2008 would be a catalyst to my decision to opt out of the workforce.
I spent awesome quality and quantity time with my babe.
The night we returned to Singapore, when my husband was snoring blissfully and the babe sleeping soundly with her mouth agape, I debated my options.
It was the first sleepless night after so long. Heee!
I thought about the choice constantly, whether to work or not.
I knew there were certain things I had to rule out in my decision making.
I didn’t want to be in an all or nothing situation.
I knew there were certain things I had to rule out in my decision making.
I didn’t want to be in an all or nothing situation.
I knew I wanted the best of both worlds.
I wanted to teach and at the same time be Nyla's main caregiver.
For dreams to come true, you need to be surrounded by a supportive family for together with you, they help examine our options...'balancing our dreams with practicalities'.
So after much discussion, Mr E and I sorted out the finances and prepared ourselves.
-Mr E and I sold our condominium at Bukit Timah and bought a 3 room HDB flat.
-Mr E and I sold our condominium at Bukit Timah and bought a 3 room HDB flat.
-We are now car-less.
So basically, our financial belt has been tightened to the very last hole.
Our shared motto to prepare ourselves when I quit work to set up The Bottoms Up Club was MINI MATERIALS, MAXI LIFE.
2 years have since passed and we still firmly stand by the above motto having the best times of our lives. :)
Not only am I having the time of my life teaching the Bottoms Uppers, I am writing children's books with Nyla, conducting workshops with my partner Jenn, parenting symposiums with my Mr E, the Excluzif Toga line with my mom and I still am dreaming to do more. Insyaallah!
My life is definitely richer and more meaningful, doing the things I absolutely love....
Mr E gave me a New Year present. How apt!
I have already finished reading it.
Let me share with you some excerpts..
...You may be worried about your existing financial commitments or you might think that you don't have enough money to do whatever it is you'd like to do, but you'll see that there are always multiple ways to address these issues. Flexibility and hard work are key components.
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With the right vision, planning, and determination, anyone who wants to can live what they love. May you be blessed with a passionate life.
Wonderful ey?
PS: If you don't have Tuesday's Berita Harian with you, read all about Mimpi Indah Jadi Nyata here.
Peeps, thank you all for the kind words over at Facebook, Twitter and email! Hugs!
