Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My unborn child

Earlier, I was sitting alone when a makcik approached me.
She said,"Anak satu je Nura?" (Only one child Nura?)
I just nodded and smiled.
As she walked away, I suddenly felt sad.

Not many of you may know this but Mr E and I would have been parents to 2 kids.
I suffered a miscarriage in early 2006.

If that child were alive today, he/she 'd be 5 years old this year....
and would definitely be Nyla's 'bestest' friend ever.

The second pregnancy was exactly like my first. No puking whatsoever.
And just like when I was carrying Nyla, I craved for Nasi Lemak every day.

However, unlike the first pregnancy, I had spotting. When I went for check up, my gynae, Dr Han How Chuan (I love him!) found the heartbeat to be very strong and told me there was nothing to worry. Probably implantation bleeding....
Everyday there would be brownish discharge. But I had no cramps so I wasn't worried or panicky. Besides, with second pregnancy, my kancheongness level kind of dipped big time.

On that fateful day...
I was teaching my Primary 6F pupils, I felt the urge to go to the toilet so I excused myself. When I went to pee, I was shocked to see fresh red blood in the toilet bowl. Deep down, I knew my second child was gone. I searched for a colleague who ever miscarried and showed her my stain. Immediately, she told me that shed take over my class and told me to go to the hospital. I declined her kind offer since I only had 10 minutes left of teaching with my class before my free period. So as I continued teaching, I saw my principal and vice principal at my classroom door telling me they would take over and I pack up and go to KK. Yeah, my concerned colleague, Veron told them. I was blessed with caring colleagues and superb leaders then. Very touched.

Called Mr E and he met me at KK. Dr Han saw me and when I told him there was fresh blood, immediately he pulled me to lie on that bed. Yeap, no galloping heartbeat sound. Dr Han looked real worried and asked his nurse for his glasses. "Come on... give us that blinking dot," I said to myself.
After what seemed like an eternity, Dr Han said,
"I'm sorry. No heartbeat Nura. Your baby's heart stopped 6 days ago."
I wailed so bad. Mr E teared as well.
My mom cried when I told her that I lost my baby. My elder brother, Bah too.

It was so hard to see the tiny baby and knowing that it had died about a week earlier.

Whenever I have my miscarriage flashback, I'd feel down.
Sweet indeed to imagine myself to be a mother of 2.
The babe would probably be an exact replica of Nyla.. Same vivacious personality..
Or opposite... Serious no nonsense kind. Either way, still cute man.

I'm sorry for the rather sad entry. I am only human.
You mommies and (preggers) know that love begins before a baby is born.
To my precious baby who never made it to the world to join Mommy, Daddy and Big Sis Nyla, we do think of you and miss you more than you could ever know.
Mommy is sorry for not making my womb a safe place to you, our precious.


  1. Dear Kak Nura,
    I teared upon reading this & my heart ached. But I know my pain isn't as much as yours. I am pretty sure that losing one's child is what parents fear most. But I'm pretty sure your 2nd Baby is happily at heaven now,playing while waiting for you, Nyla & Mr E to join him/her one day when time is right. I didn't knw behind your happy smiles & cheerful character lies a painful sad story. Be strong Kak Nura, for your unborn child is now safe with Allah.

  2. Hi you...(You didnt leave your name.) :(
    Thank you for your comforting words. I am feeling better already dear.

  3. Hi Nura,
    I too teared when reading this entry. And so happen i was nursing my 4 month old baby. I can only imagine how you and other mothers like you felt.
    Yup, you're right! Love begins the day you saw that positive sign on the test kit. I take my hats off to mothers who live and able to share the stories of their lost child.

    Thanks for sharing something so personal.

  4. my weak heart cannot handle this... i can hear my heart crying for you but Allah has plans for everyone, he knows best. huggsss babesy


  5. It is very unfortunate and such a sad incident to go through. You've been strong for Nyla. You are an awesome mother, I'm sure!

    Don't be sad, for she's in heaven with him. Trust Him. Allah will provide what's best for her and more. That's what matters. The afterlife.


  6. Hi Nura,

    As it's been told to me 2x before (yes I've gone through what you did twice), these things happen for a reason. Allah knows best and maybe he only wants the perfect baby to be born to you. Chin up k babe as I am telling my own self frequently, we're still young we can try again =)

  7. hi Nura, im a constant reader to your blog.I'm not a mother yet but My heart goes all out for you when i heard your story but allah da tentukan perjalanan ni and insyallah when allah takes away from you , he will give you another one maybe in another form of rezeki. We wont know.

    I've been married for 2 years now, no good news yet. I feel sad when ppl asked me bila nak dapat anak , but i just smiled and said " belum ada rezeki lagi" . i still feel like there is a hope one day that i will have a child. Although sometimes it is painful seeing the rest of my friends already pregnant and have kids. Insyallah.. me and hubby still hoping.

    Anyway keep your faith strong. Insyallah allah will give you another child. Take care and all the best to your family.